CHARLOTTE, NC — Perhaps you have noticed this season has had several events involving the SPHL’s all-time favorite promotion – dachshunds (known as wiener dogs in these parts) racing on ice. Once the exclusive domain of hockey meccas of Huntsville and Knoxville, virtually every team in the SPHL over the course of the 2016-17 season have had the long, stubby-legged canines scurrying down rinks during intermissions.
Coincidence? never! Commissioner Jim Combs has big plans for the little dogs.
As a result of the widespread popularity of wiener dog races throughout minor league hockey, the SPHL announced today the creation of the first annual Wiener Dog Ice Racing World Championship will take place during the opening game of this year’s President’s Cup Final. Winners from the season’s previous wiener dog races across the league will have a speedy final showdown during the first intermission.
“This is the best thing for the league since Pensacola and Peoria agreeing to a best-of-five President’s Cup Final last season,” said Combs. “We’re going to have crazy attendance for this. People love speed, and people love those cute little wiener dogs. Giving the fans the opportunity to see which pup is the fastest of them all like the Daytona 500 and the Stanley Cup Final COMBINED.”
Remember doggies… Second place is the first loser. Have at it, pups!
Bonar preps for a run at the Cup… the Kelly Cup.
After the stunning announcement of Allen Americans goaltender Riley Gill to remain in the tropical paradise of Puerto Rico to open a beachside massage parlor and rum factory, the two-time defending Kelly Cup champions tapped the SPHL to fill a huge void in net. The Americans defied conventional wisdom, avoiding their stalwart SPHL part-timer – Mississippi RiverKings goalie Peter Di Salvo – and snagged Sean Bonar away from the Fayetteville FireAntz. Bonar, the new SPHL single-season record holder with 31 wins, ditched the SPHL’s first-place team for a shot at some ECHL hardware.
When reached for comment after last night’s 5-1 loss at the hands of the Peoria Rivermen, Bonar said, “It’s elementary, actually. It boggles my Princeton-educated mind we have a generic President’s Cup. I would by far more agreeable to play for a league championship award named after a real person.”
Bonar continued, “Patrick J. Kelly is a legendary figure in hockey with a playing, coaching, and an administrative career spanning half a century. It is my genuine honor to accept Steve Martinson’s generous offer to have the opportunity to endeavor for Mr. Kelly’s Cup, which I have no doubt my talents shall result in my triumphant hoisting of said cup.”
You read it right, folks… The league’s top goaltender and shoo-in for most valuable player has bolted due to semantics.
When informed of the defection, FireAntz coach Jeff Bes said, “F**K F***ING DA**IT F***ING SUMMMMB***H MOTHERF***ING F***ITY MOTHERF***ER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I F***ING HAD TWO MOTHER***ING IVY F***ING LEAGUE GOALF****NGTENDERS AND NOW I’M F***ING F***ED!!!!! HOW IN THE F**K AM I GOING TO F**ING WIN TRIVIA AT B-DUBS F***ING NOW??? F**************CK!!!!”
Cottonmouths sold to a lucky buyer… On eBay.
After it was announced the Columbus Cottonmouths were for sale, it was believed the historic charter member of the Southern Professional Hockey league would be off the market quickly. After a month of relative inactivity, the Snakes took to unorthodox methods (in professional hockey terms) to put the storied hockey club on the market. When she publicly announced the availability of the Cottonmouths, team owner Wanda Amos stated the franchise would fold if no buyer was located.
Problem solved. The team was recently listed on the world leading internet auction site eBay. An eBay user with the handle “boomboom16” created the listing on the site under the heading “Columbus Cottonmouths 2017-18 Authentic Minor League Hockey Franchise.” Bidding ended this morning, with a winning bid of $429.99 from eBay user (name partially redacted due to privacy) “jgtr*******el”.
The Sin Bin contacted the auction winner and new owner of the Columbus Cottonmouths who said, “The Cottonmouths are an iconic and historic team, and in a way, I feel like I’ve owned them for years.”
In other news, the Peoria Rivermen will be making an important team announcement in a press conference later this afternoon. We’ll keep you posted on this and all of the other APRIL FOOLS announcements as they unfold!
On behalf of all of us at The Sin Bin, we wish y’all a happy APRIL FOOLS Day!